What if…a bunch of grocery store cold coffee reviews?

I am a food critic now!

Hello!

Cold brew is my final “only not a drug because it makes you productive, and society says that’s great” frontier. And because I believe in harm reduction, I’m gonna keep on slurping down my little jam jar every morning. For now, anyway. So I might as well find the most passable option.

What started as a quest to find an easily available grocery store cold brew that didn’t make my eyes or butthole burn turned into discovering I have no idea how to write about flavor. Probably because it’s not something I ever do. So now I am doing it. And maybe I’ll even do it again.

I purposely didn’t rate them on any kind of grading/star scale. But they’re roughly in order from “mud made of cat piss” to “pretty nice.” If you have a fave, please tell me all about it in the comments/etc.

SToK Bright & Mellow Cold Brew Coffee Un-Sweet

48 oz, no diluting — 6 jam jar servings

Found at: Ralphs, Target, etc.

Price: $6.49 — $1.08/serving

I was put off the second I unscrewed the cap because underneath, it was nothing but a gallon of store-brand fruit punch juice drink. I don’t know how to explain how specifically and strongly I feel about pouring cold brew from a mouth that’s somehow white and clear at the same time and already stained, a preview of what my teeth will look like in a few years. To be clear, that strong feeling is negative. Anyway, this stuff is thin and slippery and tastes like whatever chemical bouquet they use to make coffee-flavored hard candy. Oh, and that chemical bouquet STAYS, the punishment that keeps on giving.

Trader Joe’s Ready to Drink Cold Brew Coffee

32 oz, no diluting — 4 jam jar servings

Found at: Trader Joe’s

Price: $4.99 — $1.25/serving

I’ve fallen for this one multiple times. It feels so much cheaper than the others, but then I forget how few servings are in there. And I also forget just how blandly abysmal it is. I’m hoping writing this will finally drive home that it’s not even cheap when you price it per serving, and it tastes pool water-adjacent. 

Trader Joe’s Cold Brew Coffee Concentrate

32 oz, 1:2 diluting —  10 jam jar servings

Found at: Trader Joe’s

Price: $8.99 — $0.90/serving

I really struggle with any dilution that is not 1:1. Trying to eyeball thirds (as if I’m getting out the scale at 6 am) is so hard in a jam jar. But anyway, this stuff is mid at absolute best. I shamefully keep buying it largely because I lurk in an unofficial TJs Facebook group “for busy moms,” and there are all these posts about how serving this shit to your husband will turn him into a real partner who does things like “contributes to the household.” What can I say, I love niche cultural lore, even if the aftertaste is vaguely “nickles.” (The TJ’s FB moms also love chugging down the coconut one themselves to feel alive, but I have to draw the line somewhere.)

Califia Farms Pure Black Blonde Roast Cold Brew 

48 oz, no diluting — 6 jam jar servings

Found at: Sprouts, Target, etc.

Price: $6.29 (on sale from $6.99, but I think it’s cheaper at Target) — $1.05/serving

I was hopeful when I sniffed this out of the bottle — it’s straight chocolate milk or at least Hershey’s syrup. But in the glass, things fall apart. It’s thin and watery and reminds me of when you’re in a bougie restaurant bathroom with “Aesop” soap. Then you go to use the soap, and not only does “the pink stuff” come out, but the pink stuff is so watered down you question if it has reached a new state of matter between liquid and gas. Anyway, at least it’s not bitter, I guess?

Bizzy Unsweetened Breakfast Blend 

48 oz, no diluting — 6 jam jar servings

Found at: Sprouts

Price: $7.99 — $1.33/serving

Thin and a bit syrupy at the same time but with zero sweetness. Sharp and bright, but not in a good way. It tastes like it’s going to destroy my stomach lining (which cold brew presumably does universally, but I can feel Bizzy’s spiky little claws sharpening on my tongue, ready to turn my entire digestive tract into a well-used cardboard cat scratcher in mere minutes).

Bizzy Unsweetened Medium Roast 

48 oz, no diluting — 6 jam jar servings

Found at: Sprouts

Price: $6.99 (on sale from $7.99) — $1.17/serving

Smells a bit sharp, pretty decent taste and mouthfeel, but the finish is the slightest bit bleachy. There’s better out there, especially since this one isn’t quite cheapie cheap, you know?

Califia Farms Original Pure Black Iced Coffee 

48 oz, no diluting — 6 jam jar servings

Found at: Target

Price: $6.89 (but somehow, I got it on sale for $4.99) — $0.83/serving

I’m not even going to pretend like I materially understand anything beyond the basic difference between iced coffee and cold brew. What I do know, though, is that this tastes like if someone made you a solid cup of coffee (imagine, say, Groundwork or Metric whole beans ground fresh in a French press). Then you took that cup of coffee and let it sit on your desk for four hours before moving it to the fridge to really commit to the “it’s basically cold brew now” bit. So yeah, if you’re not a cold brew purist and don’t mind whisps of McDonald’s coffee aftertaste, this is not a bad bet if you can find it as cheap as I did!

Starbucks Blonde Roast Unsweetened Black Iced Coffee

48 oz, no diluting — 6 jam jar servings

Found at: Ralphs, Target

Price: $6.99 — $1.17/serving

I was worried about this one, only buying it because La Colombe was out of stock, and the only other unsweetened/unflavored option was my arch nemesis, SToK. It’s thin, watery, and surprisingly drinkable, likely because it’s technically an iced coffee vs. a cold brew. This is basically the Bud Light of cold coffee: it goes down almost too easily as long as you don’t let your brain wander over to the world of “just because we can does it mean we should?” There’s a slightly burnt taste on the finish, but it’s nothing compared to what I’d expect from the ol’ green mermaid.

Stumptown Coffee Roasters Cold Brew Concentrate

25.4 oz, 1:1 diluting — 6.35 jam jar servings

Found at: Sprouts, Whole Foods

Price: $10.99 (on sale from $11.99) — $1.73/serving

This shit is sumptuous. A heavy glass bottle that makes me feel like a “mixologist” circa 2007 (pejorative). Rich, luxurious, top-tier. Besides the price, dealing with dilution is the only con.

La Colombe Unsweetened Medium Roast Cold Brew

48 oz, no diluting — 6 jam jar servings

Found at: Ralphs (Kroger/Marianos), Target, Whole Foods

Price: $6.49 (got it on sale for $5.99 at Ralphs) — $1.08/serving

It’s good. This does not taste like a grocery store cold brew. I do wish I had the Light and Medium La Colombe side by side, so I could really get into the details, but from what I remember, this one is just slightly more bitter on the finish. It also could be the lip product I’m testing out, but there’s a light fruitiness happening here too. Like, loosely berry.

La Colombe Unsweetened Light Roast Cold Brew

48 oz, no diluting — 6 jam jar servings

Found at: Ralphs (Kroger/Marianos), Target, Whole Foods

Price: $6.49 — $1.08/serving

Smooth, subtle chocolatey finish, no gross aftertaste, relatively thin. A very solid, easy-to-find option. I’m realizing the less I have to say, the better something is. For the price/flavor overlap, this one is it.

This newsletter brought to you by:

• Obviously, cold brew.

• Doing anything to avoid watching more episodes of The Big D, which is a disaster I can’t help but recommend.

• Sour Haribo Gold Bears.