What if...an unhinged little gift guide for people who hate buying “stuff?”

Forget the economy! Let’s get weird.

Hi!

I know, I know. You’re swimming in gift guides right now. This one is just like the others in that it's a list. But I’m hoping the similarities end there. Because if you want Oprah’s favorite things or a sea of IG influencers dishing the best deal on a Barefoot Dreams blanket or whatever Gwyneth is recommending to continue creating conditions for class warfare, you can just go get that stuff. 

So without further pontification on how consumerism season makes me want to reincarnate myself as a squirrel immediately, here’s a bunch of anti-stuff (with a few stuffs or stuff-adjacent entities thrown in if you simply must give a physical object). 

A shitload of pushups, bicep curls, lateral raises, planks, etc.

Sure, you could get a granny cart, but the best way to carry all the groceries inside in one trip while your sweetie rests is raw arm strength. Don’t forget to throw some core exercises in there for stability.

365 days of ass

For every ass fan in your life, here’s a non-year-specific calendar of butts from Bianca Albino.

A VIP puppet experience

I went to Bob Baker Marionette Theatre for the first time recently, and it fucking ruled. Their merch is better than it has any right to be, and they have gift cards if you don’t feel comfy booking tickets to a show for someone. But I think the real crown jewel for a pre-established freak is to Adopt a Puppet they get to visit any time they’re at the theatre. The choices for adoption vary depending on the current show (e.g. right now, they’re all Nutcracker-based), so keep an eye out if you’ve got something specific in mind.

Weird little love letters

If you’re not regularly telling your friends how much you love them, there is no time like the present to start. We’re all gonna die, so may as well be vulnerable now so you’re not on your proverbial death bed wishing you would have told your besties all the reasons they’re incredible on at least a quarterly basis. This works for crushes too. Let that shit out! I endorse DIY postcards for any time expressions of platonic love, but going full “Victorian maiden scrawling away to her gal pal on the good stationery” feels right for a big holiday.

A tattoo

Only do this for someone who already has tattoos and has expressed wanting more! Make sure this experience is free from your meddling — avoid anything that would make the recipient feel pressured to get something they don’t already want on their body forever. Is there a shop they’ve been to before? Try a gift card! Some individual artists may also be down for you to pay in advance for your recipient. The best way to figure this out is to reach out to the artist, following the instructions they provide for reaching out. If they say no DMs, they mean NO DMS!! Some fave artists I have work from are Diana in LA, Natallia in LA/Chicago, Siobhan in LA, Nanai in Chile/etc, and Dina in Chicago. You can also get creative here and just make a little coupon that says, “I will contribute $___ toward your next tattoo! <3”

Fixing that thing they keep complaining about

Everyone has one, and if you think they don’t, you’re not listening (or you are the thing 🙃). Fixing the thing can be big and expensive, but the best route here is to find the tiniest thorn in their side. For example, I spent the last 10 months having an absolute meltdown every time my computer charger fell between the table and the couch. On my birthday, my partner installed a piece of metal the size of my thumbnail that keeps the cord from slipping into the abyss. This was the best gift I received this year.

Niche and highly specific smells

Okay, you’re probably thinking, “girl, wtf is this expensive nonsense?” But hear me out. I’m not suggesting buying someone a bottle of fragrance — don’t do it! Bad idea on multiple levels. I’m suggesting going on my favorite hideously designed, perfectly curated smell website and getting a sampler set (the absolute max priceis $49, but so many are under $20). These are not the samplers you’d find at Sephora. I’m talking like, “Crumbling Abandoned Building,” or “Day at the Matinee,” or “Motor Oil/Engine Grease ADVANCED,” or “Fog,” or “NOT Rotting Flesh.” 

Free childcare

Have loved ones with kids? Give them the day/night/weekend off. Seriously, they want this. Throw in a gift card for something they may like to do with that child-free time, or let them frolic sans agenda.

A class that has jack shit to do with professional development

If your giftee has been wanting to try any flavor of art, sport, hobby, or hands-on activity, find their local version of that and nab a gift card or single workshop. In LA, I endorse Craft Contemporary, Junior High, and Heavy Manners for low-stakes, lower-cost workshops. There are options of things y’all can do together from afar, too — like baking with GBBO contestants, painting for beginners, or pasta making with grandma. I also really love Newberry, Mickey Alice Kwapis, and Index Space (which separately has a killer store), but none of them have any live courses or workshops available right now. With any class, do not sign up someone for a commitment that is a. recurring or b. longer than 3 hours without asking first!

Actually doing the most-hated chores

This is the grown-up version of that coupon book we all made in kindergarten and gave to our parents with the hopes they’d never cash any of them in. But we’re not just offering to do the loved ones’ despised tasks here, we are saying something like, “I am going to do this thing unless you have a very good reason why I can’t.” Not being good at the hated chore is not a valid reason for you or them — done is better than perfect, and the internet will fill in any knowledge gaps, I promise.

The world’s most comprehensive eBay saved searches

I live in a household of elite gift-givers where occasions are fluid, which is a strategy I endorse. The universe of “finding that rare, very specific item that your loved one would lose their mind over” does not abide by earthly calendars. Set a search every time you think of something. Then be prepared to pay your tithings to the eBay gods by checking your email every day. It’s a long game, but so is love. 

This newsletter brought to you by:

• Resisting the SSENSE sale, because, yes, I’m a leftist, but I also like fancy shit. Together, we can say, “not today satan.”

• Los Angeles, my favorite dystopia, which has me outside all day in November

• Writing at least one thing I’m grateful for every night for the last four years (I am disappointed to report that corny shit like this does in fact work for your serenity/perspective/general well-being)

• My friends, today and always <3