What if...holiday haiku reviews, vol. 4
The final chapter
Hello!
The annual celebration of history’s most holy nepo-baby is complete!! And with that, so is this stupid little project. At least for now.
I hope your holiday was low-key and that your New Years’ Eve plans involve absolutely zero expectations.
Saving Christmas Spirit (2022)
Da’s a cheeky ghost
Won’t you show me your yule log?
Oh no, my thistle!
12 Pups of Christmas (2019)
Wait, dog therapist?
Joyless visual Klonopin
Puppies can’t save it
Haul Out the Holly (2019)
Filmed in fifteen days
ACAB includes HOA
Santa sprained his lap
A Christmas to Treasure (2022)
“What brand?” “All the brands?”
A slasher without slashing
People need hobbies
Christmas on the Farm (2021)
Dead mom from scene one
He’d remember those titties
Novels exist, though?
A Christmas Prince (2017)
Butt in the big chair
‘Twixt the frozen minarets
Male bloodline, not fair
This newsletter brought to you by:
Imitrex for numbing out approximately 42% of my Christmas day migraine from Santa. By Hallmark movie logic, I was apparently naughty this year. Or a “Christmas magic” non-believer. Perhaps both.
The Pacific Marine Mammal Center — particularly Sweet P and Doozy.
The tiniest creatures in the Shaw’s Cove tidepools.
Sitting through the Laguna Beach pilot before a silly little Christmas trip here, then taking a moment to revel in how far reality TV has come since.