What if...my cat is inducing a depressive episode as a way to spend more time together?
[whispers] or is it capitalism? A poorly researched investigation!
Hello!
Greetings from the midst of a depressive episode! I am fine. Seriously.
This is not my first time doing this, and it will certainly not be my last. The only way out is through. I know I gotta just sit in the suck — sometimes that means sitting all day, sometimes it’s kneeling, sometimes it’s standing and falling right back down. But if I just keep at it, with my silly little box of tools (like community care, going outside, eating 1-2 vegetables, writing and making things without trying to make them “good,” meds/therapy, watching shitty television made for teenagers, etc!), one day in the near future, I’ll have enough mental juice to fully stand and stay standing.
This metaphor is kind of trash, but whatever. If you get it, you get it! And if you don’t, go watch Bojack Horseman or You’re The Worst or Insecure, or talk to one of the 21 million Americans who know what it feels like to be stuck with a bunch of soup and no spoons and in this second awful metaphor, for whatever reason, you can’t just slurp the soup down, bowl-to-face.
Anyway, because I sometimes get tired of blaming all of my problems on capitalism, I started thinking. What if this is all the work of my sweet evil cat?
What if Creature just wants to spend more time together and is wielding his powers to induce a depressive episode like the world has never known to get me couch-bound for maximum lap time?
Right out the gate, I should probably level with y’all that the ol’ brain does not currently have the processing power for intellectual rigor. But then again, I’m over here taxonomizing the beasts on Sexy Beasts based exclusively on a beast-hood hierarchy of my own creation in the best of times, so who am I kidding?
Let’s start with the basics, what causes a depressive episode?
Under “Causes & Symptoms,” The Mayo Clinic just says, “Depression is a mood disorder that causes a persistent feeling of sadness and loss of interest.” So the cause of depression is depression? Great!
Okay, fine Google, what triggers a depressive episode?
Some website called verywellhealth has a very long list of depressive episode triggers. We know we can trust them because accompanying this article is a stock photo of a lady wistfully sitting on her window sill with a glass of red wine, a blanket she got from the Nordstrom Anniversary Sale, and a messy bun. Sad! I’m going to put aside the fact that the wineglass has a stem, she’s wearing jeans, and the orchid is still alive because I don’t have the energy to look for another list.
Okay, but what’s on the list?
Stressful events, loss, end of a relationship, job loss, experiencing violence, living through a major disaster, abuse, financial stress, the addition of a new family member, getting married, retiring, graduating, positive life changes, negative life changes, hormonal changes, illness, hypothyroidism, heart disease, degenerative neurological conditions, stroke, low B12, some endocrine disorders, some immune system conditions, some viruses, other infections, cancer, erectile dysfunction, head injuries, seasonal changes, shorter daylight hours, less sunlight, substance use, alcohol, lack of quality sleep, diet, added sugar, soda, processed foods, foods that contribute to inflammation in the body, steroids, blood pressure medication, birth control pills, genetics, etc.
So basically, everything and anything?
Basically. Which leads us to “are cats strong enough manipulation-wise to bring forth any of these changes?”
Can cats manipulate humans?
I mean, no shit. You show me a cute creature, and I say, “whatever you want, tiny baby.” I’m not alone. A highly scientific website called seniorcatwellness.com says that cats are capable of manipulating and controlling humans in all sorts of ways. Some examples they cite:
Special purrs signaling urgency and encouraging beneficial behavior through reciprocity
Special extra grating meows requiring a more urgent response, sounding more like human babies for EXTRA urgency
Using a process called “social referencing” to see how others react in a situation and mimicking those behaviors for desired results
Using prosody, which is changing the melody of how something is said, to mimic human verbal cues for desired results
Giving in to their human’s wishes, but only if the human fulfills their wishes first
Sometimes, straight up refusing to reciprocate to keep the human guessing
Having kinderschema traits (big eyes, big heads, round face, tiny little paws), i.e. being real cute, so we’re motivated on a lizard brain level to give them big time care and attention
Sounds like manipulation city, but how does that tie back to any of those depressive episode triggers?
Yeah, I got nothing. Maybe “cats as nefarious actors who want more cuddle-puddle” are a trigger understudied by the institutions of mainstream medicine?
A reach. Is it actually just being alive in a shit time, and tiny baby Creature is a beloved member of your community, likely making you feel better?
🤡 🤡 🤡 🤡 🤡 🤡
If you got this far, I’m sorry! But it made me feel approximately 4 percent better, so also, thank you!
This absolute nonsense was brought to you by the following things I consumed this morning:
Several chapters of the book Stolen Focus, which I’m not sure I endorse yet but got me hunting for a flow state as a coping solution
A hike followed by a cold brew from Mad Lab
A bunch of stone fruit samples from the Hollywood Farmers Market, where I also saw no less than three dogs in wagons
A handful of the increasingly hard-to-find Haribo Berries
Texts from my friends who aren’t afraid of darkness, awful television, and/or any combination of the two <3
Bravo. I especially love the stock photo reference. Far too many endless searches in my career. Keep writing these. Very much enjoy them.
This is good 👍🏻