What if...the Reality TV Soup Index?
A taxonomy of nonsense!
Hello!
Have any of y’all watched the new Netflix boom-boom-room disaster show, Perfect Match? It’s basically Netflix making their own Real World x Road Rules: The Challenge meets You Are The One mash-up using exclusively hot bozos from the extended Nick Lachey universe. I will not get into how The Mole and The Circle are somehow still part of that universe or my ideas to improve the show with the inclusion of Great British Bake Off contestants.
Instead, I’m here to examine why my partner hated it so much. As you might expect, my household is well-versed in absolutely awful TV. Over the last six years, my partner has gone from “what is a Bravo” to “I just saw an Oppenheim while looking for a parking spot on Melrose. It was Jason. I could tell from his energy.” He can’t do Housewives (if I’m recapping, he’ll dabble), but most Netflix dating shows, especially ones like Love is Blind, are firmly in the realm of “everyone but the cat is locked in.”
But Perfect Match, what should have been a shoo-in, was a hard no-go. He could not make it past the first episode. The problem: too much Soup.
Wait, Soup?
Okay, stick with me here. Soup is what we call the simulated chaos that happens when the driving purpose of a show is said simulated chaos. Soup is drama about drama about drama. Soup is non-linear storytelling. Soup is the set of conditions ripe for Frankenbiting. Soup is a lack of structure. Soup is without clear reward or consequence. Soup is no plot, but non-stop hyperreal action. Soup is static characters tightly edited to their archetypes. Soup is a tangled web. Soup is just really fucking loud.
How to use the Soup Index
Once you figure out someone’s Soup tolerance, it becomes easier to figure out where the line is before they leave the room and go work on rewiring vintage lamps or whatever. Think of it like The Myers-Briggs or Astrology, but actually not at all like either of those things. The Soup Index is just an attempt to taxonomize a dynamic hellscape, and maybe predict some behavior in the process.
Let’s look at some examples, from No Soup to All Soup.
The Soup Index
Un-Indexed
Documentaries
Scripted “bad in a fun way” television or movies
No Soup
Taskmaster
Most other British panel shows
Grand Designs
Anthony Bourdain: Parts Unknown
Is That A Sauce?
The Great British Bake Off
Basically any British skill-based competition show
A Bit of Broth
Top Chef
The Mole
ALONE
Any procedural on HGTV (e.g. House Hunters, My Lottery Dream Home)
Basically any American skill-based competition show
Cup of Matzo Soup Before The Meal
Queer Eye
Survivor
Pawn Stars
Ru Paul’s Drag Race
The first season of any Netflix cast-driven real estate show where they’re still establishing a sense of place and actually showing you the houses. (e.g. Selling Sunset S1, Buying Beverly Hills S1, Selling Tampa S1)
Non-Netflix personality-driven real estate shows (e.g. Million Dollar Listing, whatever Chip & Joanna Gaines are doing lately)
You Pick Two: Soup & Half Sandwich Combo
Love Is Blind
The Ultimatum
90 Day Fiance
Selling Sunset from S2 onward
— this is my partner’s drop-off point —
Broccoli Cheddar in A Bread Bowl
The Hills
Vanderpump Rules S1-4
The Bachelor and The Bachelorette
Perfect Match
Any Housewives season where someone is going to prison or there is external driving action (social media feuds do not count)
THE POT IS BOILING OVER. IT IS ALL SOUP ALL THE TIME.
Love Island
Bachelor in Paradise
Terrace House
Laguna Beach
Jersey Shore
The Real World
Keeping Up With The Kardashians
Any Housewives season where no one is going to prison
This newsletter brought to you by:
The fact that I actually strongly dislike soup (the literal food).
Spending too long on The International Journal of Baudrillard Studies (IJBS), pulling stuff on post-modernism for an actual assignment.
Attempting to talk about anything besides the rain in LA, which is set to happen for the next six out of seven days.
Going to El Salvador and getting Rummikube-pilled (patiently waiting for our own set to arrive!).